My anxiety and depression reaches all the way back to early childhood. There were a few events very early on that I still remember that haunt me. The diagnosis was started mid 2012 and by august I was on medication. This medication was doubled at the end of 2012 and remains unchanged so far.
Waking up during double eye surgery before I was 5. Remembering the confines of the humidi crib when I had croup as a child.
Some will argue that trauma affects the psychological ways we deal with adversity. I agree with this mostly, in that, unless someone learns constructively how to deal with the trauma, they will develop bad ways of dealing with it and repeat the “bad habits” later in life. I recognise these as being some of the influencers in early development for dealing with life and affecting my anxiety and depression.
There was no sexual abuse while I was growing up. My parents felt like they gave up after a time of trying to work out how to emotionally deal with me from my perspective. I barely speak to family other than a handful, including my little sister and a few cousins. In a way I feel there was a level of emotional abuse. Not necessarily a conscious decision to do so, but there none the less. In that the perceived lack of interest in working on helping me develop better emotionally from family as a neglect. This is perceived and has not been discussed with family.
Religion played a big part in my childhood as well. My mother is roman catholic, goes to a high latin mass and from last check was leading the choir at the chapel. I am not a fan of any organised religion of any kind. My belief lies more in the construct of respect to others and yourself. Coming out was a big deal for my mother, spewing off that I was going to hell and that she was “praying” for my soul. I would describe my mother as right wing roman catholic for the most part. My father on the other hand just stepped back and barely commented on this. Dad has an anglican (church of England) background and nothing seems to phase him much.
When I was in year 11 in high school, I was not coping well with the work load, and dropped back to 3 subjects to complete years 11 & 12 over 3 years rather than 2. This is around the same time that my Nanna had gotten quite ill and moved in with us as mum was pretty much the only one that was taking care of her from what I saw. I left in october 1998 and there were consistent reports of me worrying too much about school, that my focus was elsewhere, that I had the capability but not the drive to do the work. I have no issue in knowing I am well capable of anything I want to put my mind to. I could not deal with the pressures at the time and I have tried twice since to return to complete my HSC. Both times I left the schools, first time to secure work, to pay the bills, and this included training in retail operations as well. second time was in Adelaide in 2002 and left when my relationship with my partner of the time crumbled.